Adoption is bad? (or why I should just shut the hell up)

I’m more than willing to concede there are adoptees in this world who have never “come to terms” with their adoptee status. I put those words in italics on purpose. I don’t know what psychological term to use. Deal with? Accept? Work through? Whatever you, the reader, want to take from that, you will. My point is that this group of individuals is completely defined by, undermined by and devastated by this experience in their lives. I truly am sorry for them. I don’t know what to say to them other than I am sorry. I wish that their experience were a different one. I’m not trying to trivialize their experience. I’m being brief because I obviously don’t have any idea what their truths are. I can’t comment on what they feel because it’s what they feel.

As a future adoptive mother, however, I obviously hope that this is not the case with my future son. I hope that he does not look upon his adoption as the sum total of his world. I expect that he will grieve and may have many doubts and fears. I have already begun to plan for these events in his life. The only thing I can do is be there for him, recognize his feelings and be there for him, in whatever capacity he wants me to be. Tragic events can happen in a person’s life but it does not mean they have to be defined by that tragic event.

I read numerous blogs of women who placed their children for adoption or were adoptees themselves. (Placed is my word. Feel free to peruse their blogs to read how they define it.) These blogs are rarely pleasant and generally fill me with fear and dread. I have to remind myself that it’s highly unlikely someone is going to create a blog that says “Hi. I was adopted and thrilled about it.” Of course not – don’t be silly! For the most part it appears that only people with horrific adoption experiences are compelled to share them with the world. I can understand why. I compare it to the infertility blogs I’ve read. As an infertile I often felt like I was the only person that felt the way I did. Oh, but only if I had known about the blogosphere five years ago!! I might have felt less alone. As such, I can understand the need for adoptees to write about their experiences in order to relate to other who feel the way they do. Power in numbers. I get it.

Another phrase I hear often in the aforementioned adoption / adoptee blogs is when an adoptive mother “gets it” or “doesn’t get it.” I continue to read these blogs in an attempt to be open-minded and understand there is another side to adoption. I’m happy to report that I have finally begun to understand the difference between my ability to “get it” or “not get it.” If I agree with their point of view, I “get it;” if I make the mistake of not agreeing with their point of view, I’m one of those who “doesn’t get it.” Good to know.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not so naïve as to think that someday, my son will tell me that he wishes I never adopted him. He may tell me that I stole him from his “real” family. I hope that it doesn’t happen, but it’s possible. I have to tell you though; my mother has four biological children. Two of these children adore her, are active in her life and thank her constantly for the lives they currently have. The other two children rarely speak to her and blame her for every negative thing that has ever happened in their lives. Same mother, same parenting skills – different perspectives on childhood. And I remind you – they are all the biological children of this woman. Interesting… sharing DNA with another human being does not equal a special bond. This may be an area worth researching. Anyone looking for a thesis topic in social psychology????

I guess this is just another rambling rant. I was under the assumption that folks with blogs were looking for discussion, open dialogue. If not, then close the comments section and simply post. Make it your personal op-ed page. If you’re writing and requesting comments, then you’ve got to assume the general public is going to do just that. If you’re looking for a specific demographic then perhaps a little disclaimer letting the unwelcome know who they are would be a helpful addition to your blog.

Then again, maybe I should just shut my trap and read. I always assume the silence is an invitation to talk.