There’s no happier word in our house today. 30 days to the day of our DNA match, the email arrived from the embassy. I had to do a double-take when I checked my inbox. I’m shocked that something has been completed within the given timeline when it comes to the U.S. government. Truly, I never cease to be amazed! Hopefully we’ll be in PGN soon and on the downhill slide to bringing our little man home.
We received updated pictures from his two month checkup. I can’t believe how much of an actual PERSON he is. He’s already got a personality within that little smile. He no longer looks like the mutant “infant”…lolol… you know I think all infants look alike. (and they're generally alien looking!) MY little boy has his own grin… and it’s beautiful. He’s big too – at two months he’s already 13 ½ pounds. Can you believe it? And nearly 2 feet long! I’m floored. He’s big and healthy and happy. I couldn’t be more proud!
On the homefront, thanks for all of the well wishes for my parents. Both are at home and recovering nicely. Thankfully my brother and his wife live close by and can help them with errands, grocery shopping, and the like. I call them daily and get reports. They’re both getting stronger every day. Of course I try to give them updates about Colin’s status to bolster their spirits. They’re both so excited about their grandson. I can’t wait to bring them video from the trip.
29 days…. It’s 29 days until I hold my son for the first time. Tickets are booked… hotel reservations are made…. I’m trying not to explode from excitement. As one fellow blogger posted before …. “They expect me to work?!?!?!?” Somehow I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. Another month of trying to stay focused? Yeah right!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
Family emergency
I’m finally getting around to writing a few thoughts about the past week. It’s been quite emotionally draining. For those who aren’t aware, my SIL called me 5:30am last Tuesday morning to tell me that BOTH of my parents were in the hospital. I don’t feel like recanting all of the details but the bottom line was that my father had a stroke and my mother had a heart attack….. within a few hours of each other. They were both in ICU, and eventually were both moved to private rooms. My mother was released on Thursday. My father is still in the hospital. They’re saying he should be released today or tomorrow.
The prognosis for both is a full recovery. Daddy doesn’t appear to have ANY effects from the stroke. He’ll have out patient therapy for a while to make sure everything is still humming along the way it’s supposed to. Mama will have to take it easy and build her strength back up. Thankfully she has no blockage and there’s no need for surgery. (Her heart attack was the kind when the blood vessels basically fold in on themselves. The cardiologist says with time and medication that her heart muscle may actually repair itself.) My brother and SIL live less than five minutes from my parents. Thankfully they’re able to help my parents while they recover. I live so far away (6 hour drive) so I’m not much help for day-to-day help. I drove to where they are on Tuesday but had to return home on Sunday to go back to work.
Obviously I’m a bit shaken up about the whole incident. Daddy is 60 years old and Mama is 67. Had things not turned out so well, I could be an orphan at 32. I can’t imagine my life without them here. There’s still so much I need to learn from them. They drive me nuts on a regular basis but I’d be lost without them.
My beloved husband remained at home, taking care of my dog and keeping my spirits up from afar. He’s so good at taking care of me even when he can’t be right there with me. I’m reminded how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man in my life.
My bright bit of happiness is that we’ve been given travel dates for our visit trip to Guatemala. We’ll be there for Thanksgiving! I’m reminded how important family truly is and how much I want my parents to enjoy their grandson. I sure do hope we bring him home soon!
The prognosis for both is a full recovery. Daddy doesn’t appear to have ANY effects from the stroke. He’ll have out patient therapy for a while to make sure everything is still humming along the way it’s supposed to. Mama will have to take it easy and build her strength back up. Thankfully she has no blockage and there’s no need for surgery. (Her heart attack was the kind when the blood vessels basically fold in on themselves. The cardiologist says with time and medication that her heart muscle may actually repair itself.) My brother and SIL live less than five minutes from my parents. Thankfully they’re able to help my parents while they recover. I live so far away (6 hour drive) so I’m not much help for day-to-day help. I drove to where they are on Tuesday but had to return home on Sunday to go back to work.
Obviously I’m a bit shaken up about the whole incident. Daddy is 60 years old and Mama is 67. Had things not turned out so well, I could be an orphan at 32. I can’t imagine my life without them here. There’s still so much I need to learn from them. They drive me nuts on a regular basis but I’d be lost without them.
My beloved husband remained at home, taking care of my dog and keeping my spirits up from afar. He’s so good at taking care of me even when he can’t be right there with me. I’m reminded how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man in my life.
My bright bit of happiness is that we’ve been given travel dates for our visit trip to Guatemala. We’ll be there for Thanksgiving! I’m reminded how important family truly is and how much I want my parents to enjoy their grandson. I sure do hope we bring him home soon!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Silenced
I actually have a lot to say this evening on two subjects that, on the surface, appear completely unrelated. However, for me, they are very much intertwined. The topic is on being silenced.
The first situation involves a blog that I frequently read. She is an adoptive mother of two children from Korea. They are now teenagers. I can't say that I've read through all of her archives but what I have read shows a very insightful, intuitive, loving mother. She speaks often of her feelings regarding her part in the international adoption process. I don't always agree with everything she writes, but I appreciate her point of view. It's often given me 'food for thought.' It's nice to have your views and opinions challenged from time to time, especially in such a non-threatening way. She's never been 'in your face' about her ideas. She's always taken a motherly tone of "here's another perspective.... what do you think?" She's also been accepting of others' comments. She allows all sides of the adoption triad (and anyone else on the fringes) to share and comment. I find that very refreshing as, more and more, I've noticed that should you post on a blog and not agree with the blogger 100%, you will most likely be deleted or bashed by the blogger and his/her readers. I often find myself thinking 'then why ask for comments?' Or better yet – ‘just go password protected.’ That way only your minions will comment and you'll be sure that they all agree with you.
I explain the above situation because it seems that this sweet woman is now considering closing her blog down. Why, you ask? Well, as I see it (and since it's my blog I get to have my opinion on that), she now thinks she may nothing left to say because someone within the adoption world thinks adoption is a bad thing.... at all times..... at all costs. This other writer posed questions / statements that sound more like a dogma for a new religion than anything else. My sweet blogger friend has been left so conflicted by this anti-adoption writer that she's now starting to doubt her place in this world. (TOTALLY MY OPINION.)
Now - situation number two: I spent Friday evening with DH, a co-worker (M) and her husband. We'd planned to meet at a local bar for happy hour to have a TGIF beer. This is a regular happening in my office but DH and I rarely go. After the hellacious week I'd had, I decided this would be the Friday we would go. So, we arrive at the bar and are having a lovely time. Suddenly, M's daughter and SIL show up. It's a college town and they are recent college graduates. So we invite them to join us and they join in the various conversations at the table. I'll skip the various dramas and recap quickly: SIL spends most of the evening giving hand signals to his wife to be quiet and even, at several points, tells her to 'shut up' and 'quit interrupting.' SIL refers to M as being a drunk, being afraid of her own MIL and informs her that children don't have any obligation to their families just because they are related 'by an accident of genetics.' Now, DH and I are floored by the behavior and try not to look quite so shocked b/c we're thinking, ‘This must be their dynamic. Everyone here is an adult.’ I truly don't want to insult my friend b/c well, at heart I'm a Southerner and we just aren't raised that way. So we try to continue various conversations and pick topics not so controversial / confrontational. No dice. SIL continues making ugly hurtful remarks left and right. Somehow, the conversation turns to that of Katrina victims in Mississippi. If you haven't been keeping up, please refer to previous posts to understand why this topic might hold significance to me. Caught up? Good.
So while trying to explain how victims on the coast are feeling, I am informed by SIL, "none of those people deserve a dime." (Let me add that he is VERY much aware of my past / present situation.) I stop for a moment and look directly at him. I say, "You're serious. You really don't think they deserve any assistance." To which he says "No, not from the government, not from the insurance companies." For the first time in my more than thirty years, I was speechless. I then try to explain to him how many people were misled about their insurance policies. I am then schooled on the fact that NO insurance policies would EVER cover flood and / or damage like that of a hurricane and that "those people" should have "read their policies." Again, I continue to be floored. I, like an idiot, attempt to explain personal experiences of friends and family who are currently living through the aftermath. (Yes, I said CURRENTLY and it's been 13 months since landfall). Again, he's absolutely unmoved. If anything, he's exasperated that I don't understand how he's right about this. Everyone else at the table remains silent. No words of defense. No attempt to end the hurtful comments and condescension in his voice. I get nothing. DH happens to be at the bar paying the tab during this lovely bit of interchange. While I'm trying to recount these personal tales I realize that there are tears streaming down my face. I'm not drunk. (I'd had two beers and a full dinner over the course of 3 1/2 hours.) I'm not out of control. I realize I'm simply enraged and saddened. I'm thinking of the thousands of people whose lives are still ruined. I'm thinking of my own family members still waiting in FEMA trailers for assistance that was promised. These same family members who paid on insurance policies for more than 20 years and were promised by an agent "you’re covered for it all." Yeah, no check came. No help came. They're still waiting. And as I'm talking I realize this 22 year old boy will NEVER understand the pain and suffering I'm trying to explain to him. No matter how long I talk, it will do no good. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to. It means nothing to him. I'm saddened. And I'm silenced. Once DH returns to the table, I look at him with tears in my eyes and tell him it's time to go. I say nothing to M or the rest of the table. I simply walk out of the bar and head straight for our car. I cried for more than an hour after we got home. I cried for the more than 1800 dead, my friends, my family, my memories, my neighborhood. No words; just tears.
The connection between my two situations: Why is that the words of one casually known person can actually silence the voice of another person? Why do we do that to one another? Is it so hard to show compassion? What is the harm is standing back for a moment and allowing that someone else can have another point of view because they have their own unique experience of this world? That's not to say that you have to agree with or accept that view point. It would just be nice if more would be willing to believe we've all got a voice. Silencing someone else doesn’t make you right. It just makes them silenced.
My only regret is that I allowed myself to be silenced. I'm angry with myself for not challenging my tablemates to speak up and speak out, knowing they too shared my thoughts but they were too afraid to speak up. And to my blogger friend, I hope that she doesn't allow herself to be silenced. It serves no one to be silenced when we've all got so many beautiful things to say.
The first situation involves a blog that I frequently read. She is an adoptive mother of two children from Korea. They are now teenagers. I can't say that I've read through all of her archives but what I have read shows a very insightful, intuitive, loving mother. She speaks often of her feelings regarding her part in the international adoption process. I don't always agree with everything she writes, but I appreciate her point of view. It's often given me 'food for thought.' It's nice to have your views and opinions challenged from time to time, especially in such a non-threatening way. She's never been 'in your face' about her ideas. She's always taken a motherly tone of "here's another perspective.... what do you think?" She's also been accepting of others' comments. She allows all sides of the adoption triad (and anyone else on the fringes) to share and comment. I find that very refreshing as, more and more, I've noticed that should you post on a blog and not agree with the blogger 100%, you will most likely be deleted or bashed by the blogger and his/her readers. I often find myself thinking 'then why ask for comments?' Or better yet – ‘just go password protected.’ That way only your minions will comment and you'll be sure that they all agree with you.
I explain the above situation because it seems that this sweet woman is now considering closing her blog down. Why, you ask? Well, as I see it (and since it's my blog I get to have my opinion on that), she now thinks she may nothing left to say because someone within the adoption world thinks adoption is a bad thing.... at all times..... at all costs. This other writer posed questions / statements that sound more like a dogma for a new religion than anything else. My sweet blogger friend has been left so conflicted by this anti-adoption writer that she's now starting to doubt her place in this world. (TOTALLY MY OPINION.)
Now - situation number two: I spent Friday evening with DH, a co-worker (M) and her husband. We'd planned to meet at a local bar for happy hour to have a TGIF beer. This is a regular happening in my office but DH and I rarely go. After the hellacious week I'd had, I decided this would be the Friday we would go. So, we arrive at the bar and are having a lovely time. Suddenly, M's daughter and SIL show up. It's a college town and they are recent college graduates. So we invite them to join us and they join in the various conversations at the table. I'll skip the various dramas and recap quickly: SIL spends most of the evening giving hand signals to his wife to be quiet and even, at several points, tells her to 'shut up' and 'quit interrupting.' SIL refers to M as being a drunk, being afraid of her own MIL and informs her that children don't have any obligation to their families just because they are related 'by an accident of genetics.' Now, DH and I are floored by the behavior and try not to look quite so shocked b/c we're thinking, ‘This must be their dynamic. Everyone here is an adult.’ I truly don't want to insult my friend b/c well, at heart I'm a Southerner and we just aren't raised that way. So we try to continue various conversations and pick topics not so controversial / confrontational. No dice. SIL continues making ugly hurtful remarks left and right. Somehow, the conversation turns to that of Katrina victims in Mississippi. If you haven't been keeping up, please refer to previous posts to understand why this topic might hold significance to me. Caught up? Good.
So while trying to explain how victims on the coast are feeling, I am informed by SIL, "none of those people deserve a dime." (Let me add that he is VERY much aware of my past / present situation.) I stop for a moment and look directly at him. I say, "You're serious. You really don't think they deserve any assistance." To which he says "No, not from the government, not from the insurance companies." For the first time in my more than thirty years, I was speechless. I then try to explain to him how many people were misled about their insurance policies. I am then schooled on the fact that NO insurance policies would EVER cover flood and / or damage like that of a hurricane and that "those people" should have "read their policies." Again, I continue to be floored. I, like an idiot, attempt to explain personal experiences of friends and family who are currently living through the aftermath. (Yes, I said CURRENTLY and it's been 13 months since landfall). Again, he's absolutely unmoved. If anything, he's exasperated that I don't understand how he's right about this. Everyone else at the table remains silent. No words of defense. No attempt to end the hurtful comments and condescension in his voice. I get nothing. DH happens to be at the bar paying the tab during this lovely bit of interchange. While I'm trying to recount these personal tales I realize that there are tears streaming down my face. I'm not drunk. (I'd had two beers and a full dinner over the course of 3 1/2 hours.) I'm not out of control. I realize I'm simply enraged and saddened. I'm thinking of the thousands of people whose lives are still ruined. I'm thinking of my own family members still waiting in FEMA trailers for assistance that was promised. These same family members who paid on insurance policies for more than 20 years and were promised by an agent "you’re covered for it all." Yeah, no check came. No help came. They're still waiting. And as I'm talking I realize this 22 year old boy will NEVER understand the pain and suffering I'm trying to explain to him. No matter how long I talk, it will do no good. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to. It means nothing to him. I'm saddened. And I'm silenced. Once DH returns to the table, I look at him with tears in my eyes and tell him it's time to go. I say nothing to M or the rest of the table. I simply walk out of the bar and head straight for our car. I cried for more than an hour after we got home. I cried for the more than 1800 dead, my friends, my family, my memories, my neighborhood. No words; just tears.
The connection between my two situations: Why is that the words of one casually known person can actually silence the voice of another person? Why do we do that to one another? Is it so hard to show compassion? What is the harm is standing back for a moment and allowing that someone else can have another point of view because they have their own unique experience of this world? That's not to say that you have to agree with or accept that view point. It would just be nice if more would be willing to believe we've all got a voice. Silencing someone else doesn’t make you right. It just makes them silenced.
My only regret is that I allowed myself to be silenced. I'm angry with myself for not challenging my tablemates to speak up and speak out, knowing they too shared my thoughts but they were too afraid to speak up. And to my blogger friend, I hope that she doesn't allow herself to be silenced. It serves no one to be silenced when we've all got so many beautiful things to say.
Monday, September 25, 2006
It's a match!
We received word today that our DNA testing was completed and it's a match! With this step completed, we are now in the process of setting up a visit trip. I can't believe that in just a few weeks I will meet my son !!
On a bittersweet note, I realize that this means his birthmother has signed off again on his relinquishment. She had to be present for the DNA testing. Often this is the first time the birthmother has seen her child since the birth or maybe a few days after. Once again, I can't imagine how she must have felt or how she is still feeling. I continue to wish her nothing but peace in her decision. I have no idea what circumstance brought her to this decision. I won't second guess her. I only wish her peace and comfort and hope that, at some point, she can know how loved her son truly is and will be.
So tonight, I'm once again elated and saddened at the same time. After more than a decade of waiting, just a few more weeks and I will hold this precious little man!
On a bittersweet note, I realize that this means his birthmother has signed off again on his relinquishment. She had to be present for the DNA testing. Often this is the first time the birthmother has seen her child since the birth or maybe a few days after. Once again, I can't imagine how she must have felt or how she is still feeling. I continue to wish her nothing but peace in her decision. I have no idea what circumstance brought her to this decision. I won't second guess her. I only wish her peace and comfort and hope that, at some point, she can know how loved her son truly is and will be.
So tonight, I'm once again elated and saddened at the same time. After more than a decade of waiting, just a few more weeks and I will hold this precious little man!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Adoption news!!!
I just returned from a really crappy business trip this evening. I brought along the laptop, but of course the "high speed internet connection" promised by my crappy hotel was a complete bust. No email? No blogs? WHHHAAAATTTT??? So I had to resort to reading a book. For shame!
Upon my return to civilization, I logged on to check out what was going on in the blogosphere... and my email inbox. To my surprise (and joy!), I found a bunch of pictures of my little man courtesy the agency! He is still a chubby bunch of love with a head full of hair. Hubby and I were all smiles to have this unexpected happy. He's so beautiful and looks to be healthy.
About an hour after finding this bit of good news the phone rings. It was our agency. We've got DNA authorization!!!!!!! For those in the know, one of the steps in the process for our adoption is authorization from the U.S. Embassy for DNA to be taken of the birthmother and child. It's one of those nifty little steps that ensures the birthmother is relinquishing her own child. Sadly, it's often the first time she has seen the child since his/her birth. I can't imagine what her state of mind must be at this point. I can only wish her peace in this life altering decision.
For us, although somewhat bittersweet, we are thrilled beyond belief to have this next step down. Once the testing is done and the results are confirmed, we will be planning to take a visit trip to Guatemala. Just think...... in about a month I could be holding my son for the first time. I'm absolutely stunned!
What a wonderful way to end today!
Upon my return to civilization, I logged on to check out what was going on in the blogosphere... and my email inbox. To my surprise (and joy!), I found a bunch of pictures of my little man courtesy the agency! He is still a chubby bunch of love with a head full of hair. Hubby and I were all smiles to have this unexpected happy. He's so beautiful and looks to be healthy.
About an hour after finding this bit of good news the phone rings. It was our agency. We've got DNA authorization!!!!!!! For those in the know, one of the steps in the process for our adoption is authorization from the U.S. Embassy for DNA to be taken of the birthmother and child. It's one of those nifty little steps that ensures the birthmother is relinquishing her own child. Sadly, it's often the first time she has seen the child since his/her birth. I can't imagine what her state of mind must be at this point. I can only wish her peace in this life altering decision.
For us, although somewhat bittersweet, we are thrilled beyond belief to have this next step down. Once the testing is done and the results are confirmed, we will be planning to take a visit trip to Guatemala. Just think...... in about a month I could be holding my son for the first time. I'm absolutely stunned!
What a wonderful way to end today!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Q and A
I realized that sometimes blogs just have random information. There doesn’t always need to be some major, heart-stopping event to share. I’d like to rant about work right now but honestly I’m too freakin’ tired to go into it. I do promise to share more on my current employment site because….. IT SUCKS.
But in the interest of saving my current mental health, fragile as it may be, I thought I would be kind enough to answer some questions. You see, there have been a few very, VERY kind people who have taken the time to drop by, read the blog and even COMMENT ! What wonderful people you are! It makes me happy to know that maybe, just maybe, people are interested in what’s going on in my life. So, on to the questions:
Art Sweet asked:
1. Why are you living somewhere you don't like (so am I)? Where SHOULD home be for you?
Glad that you asked. I’m not sure exactly where I should be living. If you notice a previous post, you will see what was left of my beloved house previously located in Biloxi, Mississippi. Alas, she is no more. No house insurance, no flood insurance, no government money – ZIP. Don’t believe the hype. Not every person who suffered due to Katrina is now buying season tickets and pouring Dom Perignon in their dog’s water dish. Some of us ended up with JACK SQUAT. (And before you ask, no, the government – aka you, the tax payer - is NOT funding my international adoption. My daddy is. Sometimes fathers can fix their daughter’s broken hearts; sometimes they can’t. My daddy decided his retirement was worth fixing my broken heart.)
So, I am now living somewhere else as my dearly beloved is currently in law school. He lives here, ergo I live here. I can’t even begin to tell my dear readers how much this city sucks ass. (Although, I promise to enlighten in further posts.) Suffice it to say, I don’t like living here and I can’t wait to leave.
2. Why Guatemala?
I won’t be kitschy and say “because that’s where my son is” although it’s what I tell strangers. As a fellow Guatemama, I know that you asked for a reason. I think we chose Guatemala for a variety of reasons. Here are but a few:
· Hispanic culture: Both hubby and I have ties to Hispanic culture through our extended family. Mexico, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, to name a few countries our family members share ancestry from. In essence, our son won’t feel out of place surrounded by his cousins.
· Process: We liked the adoption process in Guatemala. We both have serious issues with government involvement in most things. We liked the fact that the adoption process is a private matter between the adoptive parents and the birth mother through an attorney. Also, to be fair, it’s a short timeline when compared to other countries.
· Foster care: Babies in Guatemala generally remain in foster care in a family rather than in an orphanage. I am very familiar with developmental delays as that is the field in which I work. The fewer our son develops, the better for his long-term health.
· Travel: Selfish, yes, but honest. Neither one of us could afford (financially, physically, academically) to be out of country for weeks on end. The fact that the trips to Guatemala are short in duration makes this whole process possible. Maybe in the future this won’t be a factor, but for now, that’s our reality.
3. What kinds of blog set-up questions do you have?
I haven’t managed to put a big list together just yet. I’d like to begin adding some cute graphics, etc. that might let me readers know what ideas/issues interest me. (A rainbow flag or banner reading “THE ONLY BUSH I TRUST IS MY OWN” on the blog makes a pretty powerful statement without having to write a lot of explanation, don’t cha think?) Obviously I don’t think many are reading so text is probably fine for now. But I do like shiny things.
Oh, and how to make a list of the blogs I read that will post here somewhere on a permanent basis. There are so many creative people that I read daily and I’d love to share the love. (Is that politically correct? Or am I supposed to ask permission to do that? I always wonder that.)
4. Why "hopeful step-mom"?
Wow – this girl is perceptive! I’m sure I will get around to explaining the current stepmother situation that I now find myself in. To answer in short: I am stepmother to two wonderful boys, who are 14 and 12, respectively. They live in Europe with their biological mother. She is a waste of carbon. One of the boys lives in the care of the state in a foster home. The other still lives at home with her and “roommate” du jour. I hate the situation they are in and I / we are powerless to change it at the present time. That being said, my hope is that one day I will have the chance to be a positive force in their lives on a regular basis. Even more so, I hope that one day they may actually come to love me. Until then, I can be hopeful for them and their future. There’s so much more to this saga and I’m sure it will make a lovely set of posts to explain. Of course, that is if I have any readers who actually want to know the story…… time will tell.
Thanks for playing Q and A!
But in the interest of saving my current mental health, fragile as it may be, I thought I would be kind enough to answer some questions. You see, there have been a few very, VERY kind people who have taken the time to drop by, read the blog and even COMMENT ! What wonderful people you are! It makes me happy to know that maybe, just maybe, people are interested in what’s going on in my life. So, on to the questions:
Art Sweet asked:
1. Why are you living somewhere you don't like (so am I)? Where SHOULD home be for you?
Glad that you asked. I’m not sure exactly where I should be living. If you notice a previous post, you will see what was left of my beloved house previously located in Biloxi, Mississippi. Alas, she is no more. No house insurance, no flood insurance, no government money – ZIP. Don’t believe the hype. Not every person who suffered due to Katrina is now buying season tickets and pouring Dom Perignon in their dog’s water dish. Some of us ended up with JACK SQUAT. (And before you ask, no, the government – aka you, the tax payer - is NOT funding my international adoption. My daddy is. Sometimes fathers can fix their daughter’s broken hearts; sometimes they can’t. My daddy decided his retirement was worth fixing my broken heart.)
So, I am now living somewhere else as my dearly beloved is currently in law school. He lives here, ergo I live here. I can’t even begin to tell my dear readers how much this city sucks ass. (Although, I promise to enlighten in further posts.) Suffice it to say, I don’t like living here and I can’t wait to leave.
2. Why Guatemala?
I won’t be kitschy and say “because that’s where my son is” although it’s what I tell strangers. As a fellow Guatemama, I know that you asked for a reason. I think we chose Guatemala for a variety of reasons. Here are but a few:
· Hispanic culture: Both hubby and I have ties to Hispanic culture through our extended family. Mexico, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, to name a few countries our family members share ancestry from. In essence, our son won’t feel out of place surrounded by his cousins.
· Process: We liked the adoption process in Guatemala. We both have serious issues with government involvement in most things. We liked the fact that the adoption process is a private matter between the adoptive parents and the birth mother through an attorney. Also, to be fair, it’s a short timeline when compared to other countries.
· Foster care: Babies in Guatemala generally remain in foster care in a family rather than in an orphanage. I am very familiar with developmental delays as that is the field in which I work. The fewer our son develops, the better for his long-term health.
· Travel: Selfish, yes, but honest. Neither one of us could afford (financially, physically, academically) to be out of country for weeks on end. The fact that the trips to Guatemala are short in duration makes this whole process possible. Maybe in the future this won’t be a factor, but for now, that’s our reality.
3. What kinds of blog set-up questions do you have?
I haven’t managed to put a big list together just yet. I’d like to begin adding some cute graphics, etc. that might let me readers know what ideas/issues interest me. (A rainbow flag or banner reading “THE ONLY BUSH I TRUST IS MY OWN” on the blog makes a pretty powerful statement without having to write a lot of explanation, don’t cha think?) Obviously I don’t think many are reading so text is probably fine for now. But I do like shiny things.
Oh, and how to make a list of the blogs I read that will post here somewhere on a permanent basis. There are so many creative people that I read daily and I’d love to share the love. (Is that politically correct? Or am I supposed to ask permission to do that? I always wonder that.)
4. Why "hopeful step-mom"?
Wow – this girl is perceptive! I’m sure I will get around to explaining the current stepmother situation that I now find myself in. To answer in short: I am stepmother to two wonderful boys, who are 14 and 12, respectively. They live in Europe with their biological mother. She is a waste of carbon. One of the boys lives in the care of the state in a foster home. The other still lives at home with her and “roommate” du jour. I hate the situation they are in and I / we are powerless to change it at the present time. That being said, my hope is that one day I will have the chance to be a positive force in their lives on a regular basis. Even more so, I hope that one day they may actually come to love me. Until then, I can be hopeful for them and their future. There’s so much more to this saga and I’m sure it will make a lovely set of posts to explain. Of course, that is if I have any readers who actually want to know the story…… time will tell.
Thanks for playing Q and A!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Awestruck
The FedEx package arrived at 9:30am, 9/01/06. My dearly beloved called me at work to announce its arrival. I dropped what I was doing and rushed home…. only 1.5 miles one-way. (Yeah for working lclose to home!) He had waited to open the package until I got home. Together, we pulled out the pictures of our beautiful baby boy. Yes, I know all parents think their child is beautiful. I, however, generally think that most babies are hideous. (Sorry, they just are – all wrinkled and squirmish looking. They remind me of aliens.) But this little boy was breathtaking!! Our little boy!
We took out the video and rushed to the bedroom to watch. (The VCR is in the bedroom.) There he was… wiggling on his little Winnie-the-Pooh blanket. He had the hiccups, poor thing, but he just silently wiggled. He tried to move his legs when he was on his stomach, as if to get up. He was only three weeks old and already trying to run around! We were surprised at how big he was. By Guatemalan standards, he’s pretty big. We both commented on his long feet and strong legs. (I see soccer player in his future!)
I have to admit I expected to burst into tears. I expected to be hysterical. Strangely, I simply felt calm. My thoughts were, “Okay – there he is.” I’ve been waiting all of my adult life for him to arrive. Shouldn’t I be jumping up and down, freaking out, screaming like a banshee? Apparently not. This was it. Quiet awe at the television screen.
We’ve formally accepted his referral and now the wait begins. We’ve done everything we can on our end. We now wait for the Guatemalan government to approve the adoption and make it final. I don’t know what kinds of updates we’ll get and how much time will elapse between them. Right now, I’m just hoping the wait isn’t too long. The first step in the adoption process in Guatemala, more or less, is the DNA testing. Hopefully that will be completed in the next few weeks. Obviously I’ll update when I can. For now, I’ll spend time staring at the few pictures I have and re-watching the three-minute video clip of MY son.
We took out the video and rushed to the bedroom to watch. (The VCR is in the bedroom.) There he was… wiggling on his little Winnie-the-Pooh blanket. He had the hiccups, poor thing, but he just silently wiggled. He tried to move his legs when he was on his stomach, as if to get up. He was only three weeks old and already trying to run around! We were surprised at how big he was. By Guatemalan standards, he’s pretty big. We both commented on his long feet and strong legs. (I see soccer player in his future!)
I have to admit I expected to burst into tears. I expected to be hysterical. Strangely, I simply felt calm. My thoughts were, “Okay – there he is.” I’ve been waiting all of my adult life for him to arrive. Shouldn’t I be jumping up and down, freaking out, screaming like a banshee? Apparently not. This was it. Quiet awe at the television screen.
We’ve formally accepted his referral and now the wait begins. We’ve done everything we can on our end. We now wait for the Guatemalan government to approve the adoption and make it final. I don’t know what kinds of updates we’ll get and how much time will elapse between them. Right now, I’m just hoping the wait isn’t too long. The first step in the adoption process in Guatemala, more or less, is the DNA testing. Hopefully that will be completed in the next few weeks. Obviously I’ll update when I can. For now, I’ll spend time staring at the few pictures I have and re-watching the three-minute video clip of MY son.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Chance of a lifetime
I can’t believe I’m writing these words as soon as I am:
I’M GOING TO BE A MOM
Our agency called today and we have a referral. He was born 8/8/06 which means he’s already three weeks old! They are sending us the whole package tomorrow - pictures, video, history, medicals, etc. I've been told I'm supposed to sleep tonight - but I doubt I will sleep another night until he's safe in my arms.
I have to admit that instead of feeling totally over-the-moon the whole time, I feel sad, too. I HATE that my happiness can only come at the expense of someone else’s sadness. All I can think about his birthmother and how she is feeling right now. I want to call her or write her and tell her that he will be okay. I want to tell her that I’m so thankful and humbled and honored for this opportunity. I want to tell her that her son … our son…. will be so loved during his lifetime and will never want for a material thing. I want to tell her I’m sorry that she couldn’t raise her son. I don’t know the circumstances that brought her to this decision. It’s not really my business. I can only hope that she is at peace, as best she can be, with this decision. I want to tell her that I will do everything I can to make sure this child knows he was so loved by this woman that she made such a heartwrenching decision. I want her to know that I will help him locate her in the future if he would like. I want to tell her she will always have a special place in our lives and in our hearts.
I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I don’t feel guilty for my place in this world. I feel lucky and honored. Tomorrow, after a 12-year journey to become a mother, I will finally see my son’s face for the first time. My broken heart is finally on the mend. At the same time, a woman on the other side of the hemisphere is trying to start putting her life back together while her heart breaks a little more.
I’M GOING TO BE A MOM
Our agency called today and we have a referral. He was born 8/8/06 which means he’s already three weeks old! They are sending us the whole package tomorrow - pictures, video, history, medicals, etc. I've been told I'm supposed to sleep tonight - but I doubt I will sleep another night until he's safe in my arms.
I have to admit that instead of feeling totally over-the-moon the whole time, I feel sad, too. I HATE that my happiness can only come at the expense of someone else’s sadness. All I can think about his birthmother and how she is feeling right now. I want to call her or write her and tell her that he will be okay. I want to tell her that I’m so thankful and humbled and honored for this opportunity. I want to tell her that her son … our son…. will be so loved during his lifetime and will never want for a material thing. I want to tell her I’m sorry that she couldn’t raise her son. I don’t know the circumstances that brought her to this decision. It’s not really my business. I can only hope that she is at peace, as best she can be, with this decision. I want to tell her that I will do everything I can to make sure this child knows he was so loved by this woman that she made such a heartwrenching decision. I want her to know that I will help him locate her in the future if he would like. I want to tell her she will always have a special place in our lives and in our hearts.
I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I don’t feel guilty for my place in this world. I feel lucky and honored. Tomorrow, after a 12-year journey to become a mother, I will finally see my son’s face for the first time. My broken heart is finally on the mend. At the same time, a woman on the other side of the hemisphere is trying to start putting her life back together while her heart breaks a little more.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Biloxi
I felt like I should write something about Katrina. Everyone else is doing it and there’s more than enough pain to go around. I’m so tired of hearing stories from reporters with no clue. It truly is a matter of – "if ya weren’t there, ya don’t know." I’d like to jump on the bandwagon of those from the old neighborhood complaining about why New Orleans is getting all the press when Katrina didn’t destroy that city. (The levees failed. The government failed. Bureaucracy and poor planning won. THAT’S what destroyed New Orleans. On the night of 8/29/05, the city of New Orleans was okay. My neighborhood? It was gone.) But like I said, there’s more than enough pain to go around. I promised I wouldn’t continue that diatribe. Not today. Today is a time to mourn. More than 1800 people died in at least five states. You can’t fathom that kind of loss of life. The bulk of the bodies in my county were pulled from my side of town. Death has a smell….. the kind you can’t get clean.
I tried putting my feelings about today into words, but my words just ramble. I’m not a good enough writer to do any of it justice. So I posted the picture above. That's what was left of my house, taken Labor Day weekend 2005. It was Saturday after the storm before I was able to see the damage myself. That, my friends, is what a wall of water 28 feet high does to a structure. In case you were wondering, a marble coffee table, a few outdoor garden statues and a few china plates were all that we salvaged. A lifetime of memories destroyed.
I thought I might share what I miss the most about my former life. Here’s a snapshot:
· sitting on my front porch, enjoying a drink, watching the world go by
· the rock garden I built all by myself in my front yard
· my pictures, all of my pictures, 31 years worth of pictures
· my job where I worked for seven years that I had to leave because I had no place to live
· my friends who understood what it was like because they lived through it too
· my family because they are now a world away
I can’t begin to explain what was lost a year ago today. Sure, we can rebuild the physical structures and replace many of the lost “things.” But the community, the neighborhood, the soul of my hometown, is gone forever. It can’t be rebuilt because the people aren’t there. They don’t have the means to do it.
Whatever your thoughts on this disaster, take a minute to remember those who lost their loved ones, their communities, their security, their innocence. It’s been a year and we’re not over it.
To those who were there, I share this: Don’t worry, friend. We don’t HAVE to be over it. Ever.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Matter of Perspective
I think all life is a matter or perspective.
I suffer from infertility. I use the word suffer on purpose. It’s an agonizing prospect of my life and one that I’ll never get over. So when I hear a woman say, “I’m pregnant again” and sound annoyed, I want to scream, “Then use a condom, you whore!!!!!!” But I don’t. I just keep walking through Wal*Mart (because that’s where all the pregnant whores seem to shop…..). The point is that she didn’t mean to be offensive. That’s her take on reality because that is how things work in her world. (Have sex – get pregnant.) In my world, having sex does not equal pregnant. Oh yeah…. and pregnant does not equal live baby…. twice. In my world, no one should complain about being pregnant. Those who do should instantly have a miscarriage. But I’m working very hard to change this perspective. (It’s an ongoing process, so bear with me if we have some setbacks in judgment from time to time.)
For me, infertility is painful. I don’t think that I will ever “get over it.” I have learned to accept that adoption doesn’t cure infertility. It only cures being childless. These are two different issues. I can’t honestly say that I’m still hurt that my husband and I may never have a living biological child together. His eyes, my mouth, his height, my feet. I mourn this loss in a real way on a constant basis. I understand that adoption will not make that pain go away.
Adoption does, however, allow me to focus my energies in a more positive manner. It gives me the chance to be a mother. I am acutely aware that this chance comes only out of the pain of another woman. I wish this wasn’t the case. I could tell myself that she never wanted this baby and is thrilled that she doesn’t have to raise him. But the reality is that she probably desperately wanted to keep this child and, for whatever reason…. poverty…. her age…..the circumstances of his conception,…… whatever the case, it just wasn’t possible. So now, I am being given the opportunity to raise this little boy. Thank you just doesn’t seem to cut it.
There has been MUCH debate recently on the adoption/ adoptee blogs I read with regard to adoptive parent guilt, acknowledging birthmother pain, etc. I will say that I had very strong reactions at first and wrote several scathing blog entries. But I chose to wait and seriously think about what I wanted to write. I’ve read many enlightened posts from various sources. I haven’t agreed with everything I’ve read but I welcome the chance to see more than one point of view. (What’s the point of writing only to be read by those who agree with you? Who learns anything that way?) The overriding sentiment that I come away with from reading these posts is that perception truly IS reality. (I know – no brainer there, huh?) We all come to the table with the sum total of our experiences. Of course our filters are set in a specific way. But the general populace appears to be unwilling to admit this.
Why is that birthmothers and adoptive mothers appear at odds? At what point did we become enemies? I feel like I’m watching the Springer show. Picture two women fighting over the jerk in the middle. I’m always thinking, “Why aren’t they beating the hell out of him and then going out for a drink together?” I can’t help but think both moms in the adoption triad should find the middle ground – the children – and work from there. In my case, I won’t ever be able to sit at the proverbial table with my son’s birthmother. Funny that I’m her biggest fan and most loyal supporter and we’ve never even met. More’s the pity…… but, I am trying to mentally prepare for the questions he may some day ask. Even more so, I’m trying to prepare for the questions everyone else may ask. Maybe I'll start asking some of my own.....
I suffer from infertility. I use the word suffer on purpose. It’s an agonizing prospect of my life and one that I’ll never get over. So when I hear a woman say, “I’m pregnant again” and sound annoyed, I want to scream, “Then use a condom, you whore!!!!!!” But I don’t. I just keep walking through Wal*Mart (because that’s where all the pregnant whores seem to shop…..). The point is that she didn’t mean to be offensive. That’s her take on reality because that is how things work in her world. (Have sex – get pregnant.) In my world, having sex does not equal pregnant. Oh yeah…. and pregnant does not equal live baby…. twice. In my world, no one should complain about being pregnant. Those who do should instantly have a miscarriage. But I’m working very hard to change this perspective. (It’s an ongoing process, so bear with me if we have some setbacks in judgment from time to time.)
For me, infertility is painful. I don’t think that I will ever “get over it.” I have learned to accept that adoption doesn’t cure infertility. It only cures being childless. These are two different issues. I can’t honestly say that I’m still hurt that my husband and I may never have a living biological child together. His eyes, my mouth, his height, my feet. I mourn this loss in a real way on a constant basis. I understand that adoption will not make that pain go away.
Adoption does, however, allow me to focus my energies in a more positive manner. It gives me the chance to be a mother. I am acutely aware that this chance comes only out of the pain of another woman. I wish this wasn’t the case. I could tell myself that she never wanted this baby and is thrilled that she doesn’t have to raise him. But the reality is that she probably desperately wanted to keep this child and, for whatever reason…. poverty…. her age…..the circumstances of his conception,…… whatever the case, it just wasn’t possible. So now, I am being given the opportunity to raise this little boy. Thank you just doesn’t seem to cut it.
There has been MUCH debate recently on the adoption/ adoptee blogs I read with regard to adoptive parent guilt, acknowledging birthmother pain, etc. I will say that I had very strong reactions at first and wrote several scathing blog entries. But I chose to wait and seriously think about what I wanted to write. I’ve read many enlightened posts from various sources. I haven’t agreed with everything I’ve read but I welcome the chance to see more than one point of view. (What’s the point of writing only to be read by those who agree with you? Who learns anything that way?) The overriding sentiment that I come away with from reading these posts is that perception truly IS reality. (I know – no brainer there, huh?) We all come to the table with the sum total of our experiences. Of course our filters are set in a specific way. But the general populace appears to be unwilling to admit this.
Why is that birthmothers and adoptive mothers appear at odds? At what point did we become enemies? I feel like I’m watching the Springer show. Picture two women fighting over the jerk in the middle. I’m always thinking, “Why aren’t they beating the hell out of him and then going out for a drink together?” I can’t help but think both moms in the adoption triad should find the middle ground – the children – and work from there. In my case, I won’t ever be able to sit at the proverbial table with my son’s birthmother. Funny that I’m her biggest fan and most loyal supporter and we’ve never even met. More’s the pity…… but, I am trying to mentally prepare for the questions he may some day ask. Even more so, I’m trying to prepare for the questions everyone else may ask. Maybe I'll start asking some of my own.....
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Intro to me
So I’m trying my hand at this blogging thing. For some time now I’ve been reading the blogs of others. Being a “lurker,” as I’ve learned we’re called, I’ve been able to enter the lives of hundreds of people I would have otherwise never been able to “meet.” Some of the posts I’ve read have angered me beyond belief. Others have moved me to tears. Many have been the fodder for conversations between the hubby and myself. As time went on, I realized that I often have a lot to say. Opinionated is often a word I hear used to describe me. I’d like to think I have something to offer to the online community….. so what the hell – here goes.
I should start by saying that I don’t know a THING about creating web pages. I have no idea how to add cute little pictures and emoticons everywhere. I see lots of creative little things all over others’ blogs and think, “I’d love to do that.” Sadly, I just don’t have the knowledge to do it just yet. Maybe I can learn. If you’ve got advice, please pass it along. Knowledge is power, right?
I’m trying to think of this blog as a diary of sorts. I’ll write down whatever is on my mind at that moment. If someone happens along and reads it, great. If they decide to leave a comment, even better. Hopefully I won’t offend too many people. I probably will. For that, let me apologize now. It’s not my intention to cause pain to others. I really just feel like it would be nice to have an outlet for the myriad of ideas that float around my head on a daily basis. And I’m not real knowledgeable on “blog etiquette,” so if I make a faux pas, please let me know… but gently please. I tend to bruise easily.
I truly hope no one in the “real world” finds this or figures out who I am. If that happens I’d like to say now – please don’t out me. Just keep it to yourself. Sometimes a girl just needs a place where everybody knows her name…. and well, Cheers closed years ago.
Over time I will most likely begin writing my biography here. Not in a self-inflated kind of way. Just more that I’m hoping someday, somebody might find it important to know what I was thinking at this point in my life. Some people find me interesting. Some even find me entertaining. Maybe you’ll be one of those people.
As for the name of the blog – “Kewl Beans” is a phrase that I’ve said as far back as I can remember. I honestly don’t know when I started saying it or where it came from. I’m sure it’s from an ‘80’s movie. If you think you know, feel free to pass along the info. I’d be interested to have another piece of my puzzle completed. The blog, just like me, is a work in progress.
So stop by the Kewl Beans Place, pull up a chair, grab a drink and join our lunacy!
I should start by saying that I don’t know a THING about creating web pages. I have no idea how to add cute little pictures and emoticons everywhere. I see lots of creative little things all over others’ blogs and think, “I’d love to do that.” Sadly, I just don’t have the knowledge to do it just yet. Maybe I can learn. If you’ve got advice, please pass it along. Knowledge is power, right?
I’m trying to think of this blog as a diary of sorts. I’ll write down whatever is on my mind at that moment. If someone happens along and reads it, great. If they decide to leave a comment, even better. Hopefully I won’t offend too many people. I probably will. For that, let me apologize now. It’s not my intention to cause pain to others. I really just feel like it would be nice to have an outlet for the myriad of ideas that float around my head on a daily basis. And I’m not real knowledgeable on “blog etiquette,” so if I make a faux pas, please let me know… but gently please. I tend to bruise easily.
I truly hope no one in the “real world” finds this or figures out who I am. If that happens I’d like to say now – please don’t out me. Just keep it to yourself. Sometimes a girl just needs a place where everybody knows her name…. and well, Cheers closed years ago.
Over time I will most likely begin writing my biography here. Not in a self-inflated kind of way. Just more that I’m hoping someday, somebody might find it important to know what I was thinking at this point in my life. Some people find me interesting. Some even find me entertaining. Maybe you’ll be one of those people.
As for the name of the blog – “Kewl Beans” is a phrase that I’ve said as far back as I can remember. I honestly don’t know when I started saying it or where it came from. I’m sure it’s from an ‘80’s movie. If you think you know, feel free to pass along the info. I’d be interested to have another piece of my puzzle completed. The blog, just like me, is a work in progress.
So stop by the Kewl Beans Place, pull up a chair, grab a drink and join our lunacy!
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